perfect daughter


I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect daughter/The golden brooch of my mother's hard work pinned to my chest hard enough to make me bleed/ A tie woven from yarn made out of my father's dedication tied around my neck, suffocating me/ I almost died/ 12 year old me would do it again/ 18 year old me would too/ I'd do anything for them to be proud of me/Turn my body upside down, shake me/ I'll vomit out words from the first debate I won/I wish I knew how to be something else/ 
All my achievements are hung up on the wall where fairy lights ought to be/ I tore open my skin and shoved golden trophies where veins ought to be/ but golden trophies are rarely real gold and my false gold veins infect my participation certificate limbs much too easily/ My insides are on display on the living room shelves/I wonder why they haven't peeled my skin to make wallpaper/
I was 7 when I set down mousetraps in the living room to catch communication problems by the throat and choke it to death/ Mumma said to wake her up when the pressure cooker whistles for the third time/ It's a cry for help/3 is my favorite number/ It's just like me/ I am the pressure cooker/
I brushed my teeth so much my gums bled/I shrunk into corners and whispered my needs to the walls/None of this worked, so I blew up like a balloon/Shrinking didn't work, so I started taking up space/ I screamed till I coughed/ I wailed like an alarm/ but no one woke up/ I rang and I rang and then I passed out/ but perfect daughters don't faint, they persevere/ I'm not the perfect daughter/ I'm barely even a good one/ I'm nothing but a sticker with the glue dried out/ No one wants me and I can't stick around long enough to be needed/ At 18, my wisdom teeth will come in/ My molars will too heavy for my jaw/ Gravity get will do its job/ My mouth will slacken- widen/ until I look like a corpse/ Because what else do you expect from a 21-year-old girl whose chest is so hollow from the absence of all the things she should have been but never became.

Comments

  1. curseaaaa21 August 2023 at 03:08

    you are enough. you are the pretty sticker which is precious even after its glue dries. you are a perfect daughter and you are a perfect human being.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ICYY3 October 2023 at 06:31

    atisara, remember that no one is truly perfect without their imperfections
    embrace your imperfections, for they are what make you uniquely perfect in your voodoo way.
    your honesty and vulnerability are truly courageous
    Take care 🐈‍⬛

    ReplyDelete
  3. ashharrrrr3 October 2023 at 13:47

    to the beautiful human, atishara, I hope someday you can let go of your need to fulfil the unrealistic expectations your mother have for you, so that you can see yourself from the eyes of people who enjoy the silly, clumsy, loving, caring, going-to-next-lengths-for-others, always-being-there-to-lend-an-ear, super intellectual, savvy, witty, astute, imperfect concoction that you are.
    you never take too much space, your personality is much more then mere perfection which makes it hard for the intellectually challenged to grasp it.
    as someone who's got her own opinions on very random range of topics, which we've already discussed is so rare, someone who's got the ability and the bubbly personality required to light up any sort of dull mood, to inject enthusiasm into the otherwise boring gathering, you're already much more then what some might call perfect.

    ReplyDelete

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